date to remember ---> after midnight ... 280111

well , frankly , i don't know how to start the day ... half cautious , i got myself into troubles last night ... not to mention the wrong recipient of the goodnight msg , thats just a tiny things ... hilarious ... then , out of blue .. i was so damn upset , angry with him ... if my reason was because he controlling my bedtime , thats was totally lame ... 
slipped out , i mentioned her name ... he , who supposed to be sleeping at that time , wake up and asked me why her name is brought up to public ... Facebook .. of course it public .. everyone see it , the one who search for her is the one who eager to know right ? just like i was totally possessed , hypnotized by something ... BAD ENERGY ...  then , from the matter of that lady , it become deeper ... it went off the track ... out of topic ... when he asked why her , why her ... i blocked myself to answer him because i don't have the answer ... 
well , obviously , all the anger , frustrated about me all this time , he let it out last night ... can't say i'm shocked because i'm not ... regret is the exact word ... i was mad at myself ... fully awake , i made a decision ... i want to leave this world ... and yes of course ... who want his lady to leave right ? he strictly said he "banned" me from doing stupid things ... 
this morning , i clear it out .. partially .. i don't know what to think .. i'm lost .. gone with myself ... i'm not me ... not the one who always make jokes in the morning ... i smiled all day , i laughed ... inside , only me knows the pain ... then , i talked to myself .. i should listen this time ... listen to what he say no matter what ... that the best ... he want perfection in this relationship ... and i , have to be open ... more open this time ... i don't want to feel the pain either do he ...   
maybe the journey to find myself , the road i'd chose not right this time ... i need to find other way ... a way that did not hurt him , cause trouble , where i can be happy ... he hurt a lot .. its all my fault ... 
from now on , i can't promise anything ... can't bear it if i break my own promise ... if this happen for reasons , i take it ... stop being hypocrite , ego , selfish , bad-manner , negative , shallow mind ... i have to stop all that ... i want to shift it to the good side .. i have stand on the bad side for to long now ...  


in my head right now , i don't know .. its all mess up ... can't untangled it one by one ... daangg ! its so hard ... how i wish i can scream out loud right now ... maybe i just need some good day rest , good long night to sleep ... day by day , i sleep more less .. weird .. why ? wake up so damn fresh in the morning with only sometimes 2 or 3 hours of sleeping ... what a life !